Baffling

No it’s not.

If you’ve been following Apple, you know that every so often the company pulls a rabbit out of its hat.

Twice a year.

The missing element in Apple’s portfolio is the handheld computer.

No it’s not. It’s the kitchen sink. You really want an Apple kitchen sink so you can complain when it’s brushed metal.

John Scully was a big promoter of the idea,

A good reason not to.

and founder Steve Jobs is still galled that Scully came up with anything at all.

Most of us are.

It was dropped.

Sorry, that’s not covered by the warranty. You’re screwed.

The Newton was never a handheld anyway—too big.

Then why is it in this discussion about handhelds?

Now that the category is wavering and tablet computers are appearing, look for Apple to jump back in.

Oh, right, because that market is just thriving for Windows users now. Uh huh. Right.

There’s good reason to believe that a jazzy new Newton II will be forthcoming, perhaps in January.

No there’s not.

I also suspect a convertible laptop.

Mine has a hard top. I much prefer that. It opens and closes. The wind is a problem sometimes, though.

Maybe Apple would call it the Granny Smith.

Har. Har. Bet the retirement home went wild on that one.

I’m surprised that Apple hasn’t done more with its product names.

Yeah, they’ve been sticking to annoyingly common version names like Jaguar and Panther in contrast to XP and ME and 2003 Advanced Server. They need more senseless two-character names in their inventory.

Since the failed Pippin,

Doesn’t something have to be released to be a failure?

the company has become bland, even square, with its names.

John, you are not the person to talk about being square.

Cool apple varieties include Baldwin, Cortland, Criterion, Empire, Gala, Gravenstein, Jonathan, Liberty, Macoun, Red Delicious, Rome Beauty, Spartan, Winesap, and Yellow Delicious, among others.

Umm … right.

Instead we get the iBook and the iMac.

And people still get them confused. I’ll bet you think a two-button mouse confuses no one at all as well.

If you add European names to the scads of Apple varieties you get Alkmene, Decio, Herrnhut, Reinette Clochard, Renetta, and Ruban. I could go on for days.

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

So how about naming a product the Apple Oberrieder Glanzreinette? Now there’s a name waiting for a product!

Spam! Spam! Spam!

I’m so tired of Dvorak but he’s just fun to mess with.